It is hard to imagine a scenario more unsettling to any family. Daddy is dead. The finality of death snuffs out all hope for people who mishandle grief. When a father dies, every Daddy's girl becomes an orphan of sorts. Sons are thrown into hurt and confusion. They will never again feel the warmth and exhilaration of Dad's "well done." But they will crave it as long as they live.

A young man struggles with resentment. He is frequently compared to his father and even assumes some of his roles as protector or bread winner. Yet he can never live up to the memory. He sees his father's shadowy figure in his own physical features, voice inflections and temperament.

Most boys idolize their fathers, even when glaring inconsistencies or abuse are present. How can this boy climb hero mountain and replace father on that lofty pedestal? He can't. To his mind, Dad is invincible. It never occurs to children that Dad might not be there one day. His power and authority bring security to the home. He makes the decisions, fights the battles in life's market place, and brings  accountability.

When Daddy dies, a child feels much like the disciples did when Jesus was taken and crucified. They thought that one so powerful surely could not be overcome by mere mortals. During the death process, Judas betrayed. Peter denied, wept bitterly, followed far off and quit. John went with Jesus through the entire process and took care of Mama. But all scattered for a time. In the end, all returned except the betrayer.

So children follow similar patterns. Some betray, some deny, some remain and care for mama, but all retreat for a while, at least emotionally, to try to get their feet back on the ground. This process may be delayed for those who are being strong for others. But their time will come too. Eventually, the children regroup to discuss old memories and fears of the future, just as the disciples went back to the upper room.

At burial, children stare into that cold metallic box suspended above a gaping mouth of earth and realize that Daddy, as they have known him, is locked inside and gone from their lives on this earth forever. Strains of "my Dad is stronger than your Dad" still tap dance across their memory. Life seems so contradictory and children feel so alone.

So, where do you go now for the final word? Where does the buck stop? Where is the security of "I meant what I said, don't cross the line"? Daddy was the one who took the fear out of fate. He bridged the gap between reality and the frightening unknown; and friend, he held the bridge. He wasn't afraid of monsters, spiders or lightening. He was prepared to ferociously attack any burglar or lift a panicked child high out of reach above a snarling dog. He could easily conquer nightmares, neighborhood bullies, and even the most difficult homework problems. Next to peanut butter, he was about the smoothest customer in town. But now he's gone.

Life immediately gets a lot scarier, especially for Mama. Where will she work? Will they move back around relatives? Will they have to choose a smaller house, a lower standard of living, a public rather than private school? Where will the babies go all day while Mama works? Will they be scarred for life by the change? Should she remarry or can she even date again? Should she live the rest of her life alone or risk an ugly step-parent relationship on her kids? How should she manage the life insurance money if there is any, or survive if there isn't? What does she do now when the car breaks down or the water pipes burst or a child is severely injured? What will happen if she becomes bed-ridden with illness? How does she handle the guilt she feels for not being the kind of wife she wishes she'd been? How can she be both a father and mother to the kids? Will her daughters grow up unable to relate properly to men and will her sons grow up effeminate? How can holidays ever be happy again?

These questions are on the short list and don't even begin to deal with the emotions of loss, grief, anger, bitterness and hurt. The situation can be further complicated by the manner of death. Was Dad's passing a long, drawn-out, wasting away in the hospital or a shocking terminal diagnosis in youth? Was there a lot of physical suffering? Did he die in an accident or at the hands of blood-thirsty men? Was the son or daughter intimate or alienated from Dad when he died? Did the sons life enjoy his blessing or bear his disapproval? Another entire world of emotions are brought to bare on the tragedy. So how do you begin to heal?

    1.    First, acknowledge your true feelings. When tremendous hurts are suffered, anger often results. When anger is handled improperly, it turns to bitterness and hatred. Acknowledge even anger at God. Cry all you need to and work through the grief. Don't smother it inside!

    2.    Second, choose to trust God and relinquish the "why?" question. God is not a bully and He's not careless.  God never says "oops"! Just because the reason is unknown to us doesn't mean there wasn't one. Give Him your future.  He doesn't hold you accountable for more than you are capable.  Do your best and let Him make it beautiful in His time. He is a father to the fatherless.

    3.    Third, build new relationships, don't try to replace (displace) old ones. Children, especially, get violently defensive when their father's memory is defaced or another tries to take his place. Remember the height of the pedestal Dad is on. It is easier to build another mountain than to knock the reigning king off his.

    4.    Fourth, give yourself some space. You are not supposed to go on like nothing has happened. It may take several years to thoroughly mourn the passing and you will never quit feeling the loss. You will probably not function normally for a while and may face days of depression when you hardly have the energy or will power to brush your teeth. Hang in there.

    5.    Fifth, don't be afraid to speak of Dad or recount old memories. You love him. That which resides in the well of the soul is rightly poured forth as the fruit of the lips. Dad did not cease to exist. If saved, he is more alive now than he ever was on earth. Speak of him, sing his praise, savor precious memories.

   6.    Sixth, after the main grieving is behind you, refuse to live in the past. Prepare for the future. Visiting the past is wonderful. Living there will destroy you.

    7.    Seventh, mothers should work hard to retain old habits, traditions, and belief structures for the children. Often, a mother changes so dramatically after the man's death that the children feel as though they lost both a mother and a father in the same event.

    8.    Eighth, draw together as a family and make recovery a team effort. While the cards and flowers will arrive daily for a while, six  months later the loss is nearly forgotten by those on the outside. The family must nurture Mama and each other long after the public fanfare has ceased.

Try to fathom the wonderful dynamics in a father's relationship with his family and you will always come away with less than an academic analysis to explain its importance. A godly father is a child’s first glimpse at the attributes of God Himself. God wrought an amazing thing when he created a Daddy.  The world may push its entertainers, gold and glitz, but the glory of children is father. (Prov. 17:6)

The Glory of Children

Julia Montoro

I am my Daddy's boy,

And how I pray,

That I will grow to be

Like him some day,

My Daddy's faithful,

His heart is true,

Dad are you listening,

I love you.

Chorus:

The glory of children is father,

He is the strength of our home,

Father, we need you and love you,

Walk by our side, counsel and guide,

Show us the way of the Lord.

Dad you have been with us

All through the years,

Faithful through happy times,

Faithful in tears,

You serve a real God,

Taught us to pray,

Dad are you listening,

Thank you today.